I wrote this post two weeks ago, as you will see at the bottom.  I’m actually glad I didn’t post before as it gave me two weeks to put everything in a better perspective.

Will has always been gay or attracted to men.  Since he was 8, he knew he was different.  Then, I assume, sometime a few years later he realized he was SSA (Same Sex Attracted).  He had a goal in mind though; he was going to go on a mission, he was going to get married, he was going to have a family, and he was NOT going to be gay.  Though that did get him where he wanted to be, and we think that the goal to not be gay was a good thing for our journey, the time comes when you have to be honest with yourself or you might explode!  :)

When Josh Weed came out (you can read our story about that here) it allowed Will to be OK with being gay.  That means he isn’t squashing those feeling anymore.  And if he isn’t squashing those feelings, that means he is having them.  We are now also associating with lots of other SSA and gay men.  So that leads to me to what the post is about:

So as of Thursday/Friday, “honeymoon” period, I think, is over.  Reality has set in.  I think this is because of two things.  Though let me preface that this week has been very tiring, with lot of things to do and I haven’t even really started on Christmas stuff, so I have been a bit stressed, along with too late of nights, which made everything worse. 

The first thing was I was listening to my husband talking with another SSA man, on the phone, that I know he finds attractive.  As of last Sunday, and during the last few weeks, he has made many friends and acquaintances and he has been on the phone a lot with some of them.  He is making friends, working through stuff, and talking with other SSA men about the feelings and issues that come with being SSA/gay. This man in particular though, I knew he was quite attracted to. This really by itself didn’t bother me.  We are all attracted to people.  We all have to learn how to deal with those feelings and at least for me, I have been able to move past that and become good friends, looking at the person as a person rather than just someone I think is attractive.  Will is just now figuring all this out, in a lot of ways.  Like I said, this by itself didn’t bother me but with the second thing that happened, everything just really hit me, hard. 

The second thing is what made it really difficult and allowed reality to set in.  I wanted other blogs to link to. Now, I am so grateful for the atonement and I understand we are all at different places and I also understand that if you choose to live the lifestyle, that is your choice and I’m not going to think any of less of you, but I REALLY wanted other stories like ours: actively Mormon, very happily married and having never chosen to act out.  I would start reading a blog and get all excited and then I would read they left the church or they decided to pursue a gay relationship--or both--or they acted out before they decided to repent and change their course.  Again, I don’t have an issue with any of that.  I just wanted to find a few other couples like us.  I didn’t succeed at finding any beside the two I already knew about, and they kind-of “came out” about the same time as us.  It scared me, A LOT!  I spent a lot of time crying.  If no one else was able to remain faithful to their spouse, not divorce, and stay active in the church, what was the hope for us????  There was none. 

I spent a lot of time crying and not wanting to have anything to do with my husband, Will, and wanting someone to talk to about it but having no idea even what I would say or who I would talk to.  And I really wasn’t even sure why I was so upset.  After an evening and a day of crying off and on and being upset, I finally thought of someone I could go talk to.  He wasn’t in same situation but he did deal with people that have sex addictions.  Although that isn’t the issue, I thought he might have some insight for me.  He was also the only person I could think of.  Well, by the time I could go see this person I was absolutely starving and I had to go home, drop off a child, and eat something first.
I came home and I still didn’t really want anything to do with Will.  As he was sitting beside me, me fighting within myself, I wanted to cuddle up with him, with my best friend and sweetheart because I was upset and because I love cuddling up with my sweetheart, but at the same time I wanted NOTHING to do with him…it then hit me what was wrong. 

“I don’t want to be close to you because you are going to hurt me.”

I actually felt a lot better when I realized what was wrong.  Now, we could work through it………maybe.  It didn’t change anything but realizing the actual issue, instead of, “I don’t know what is wrong, I just don’t want anything to do with you”, made me feel a lot better.  Will and I had a few discussions, which only partially helped, but it did give me some time to process.  It also allowed me to see he has NO intention of not staying strong, etc., etc. After a few hours I was able to think clearly enough to listen to the Spirit a little better and be in position to accept what It would say.  I finally was able to go to Will and say, “I trust you” and after a second I realized the even more important thought:  “I trust God!” 

God wouldn’t have gotten us this far, and through the trials that we have had, for Will just to fall away or to choose that lifestyle over me, our family and what we currently have.
By the time we went to bed I was doing better, and I woke up the next morning in a much better place!  I trust God that this will help us grow, which it already has IMMENSELY and that Will can be that example of a man who is gay, that will always have remained faithful to his wife and to his beliefs, and that has remained a faithful member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, having never wavered.   He is happy and has a fulfilling life. 

So here we are with Josh Weed, and Jan Swoboda.

Our goal is to stand firm so that we might be able to help other stand firm.

Update #1:  It is now Sunday, when I am posting this. I think I am now totally back to our wonderful relationship. I think 1-2% of me is still a little wary but I can deal with that but it is much better than 2 days ago when only 1-2% of me thought there was any chance for us.

Update #2: Well, I actually am not posting this until Tuesday.  I am now back up to almost 100% sure we will be just fine.

Update #3:  Finding quiet time to edit and re-read was a little scarce this last week or so. It is now Christmas and I think realistically there will always be a small less than 1% a little nervous about all this. I’m sure that percentage will go up and down as we go through this journey and I am OK with that.  I trust God.

-Azalea

Posted by Azalea Adamson On 12/25/2012 11:15:00 PM 7 comments

7 comments:

  1. Thank you very much for posting this. It will help many women who come across this!
    Much love to you both!

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  2. Azalea, you are my new friend, and I know I can help you. This may sound arrogant, I do not mean to be so bold, but I feel such great hope for you and Will, and I know, with humility and all due respect, that I was guided to your blog to be your friend who understands more than you'll ever know what you are going through at this time. My heart aches for you as you begin this journey because I know the truth, and that it will not always be easy. but, please trust me when I say that it is an amazing and wonderful journey as well. You already have a great positive attitude, and especially the most important component, great faith in God. You are going to be fine, my friend....and anytime you are not - just call on me. Please know that you can email me anytime and I will always be willing to be a listening ear. Hang in there girl. much love lot you and your awesomely strong and amazing man. :)

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  3. Thanks I Define Me. :) You don't sound arrogant. I understand completely.
    ~Azalea

    ReplyDelete
  4. Also Azalea, I wanted to say that you should not let our story, and the miserable path that our marriage took, discourage you. You and Will are very different than us, you have so. Much more going for you, ie: great faith and faithfulness in the gospel, more understanding already between you, and no history of acting out, etc., and especially the amazing world of supportive ssa/lds people who are available on the Internet and those who are friends in your real life (not that all of us 'online' folks are not real as well -lol). It seems that Will has great conviction to stay strong and is reassuring you that he is committed to you and to God. But, just to be sure, have him read our blog (especially Mr. IDM's post from last night) and he will see and understand why he absolutely never, ever wants to go there..... My husband testifies that he never found anything or anyone for his heart and soul from other men, and realizes that, for him at least, it is just a physical attraction, and pursuing that only offers a fix for the appetite of the flesh. He has grown and been helped by establishing healthy relationships with men. And he has definitely benefitted from some good counseling along the way, and especially from working closely with our wonderful Bishop. He is going to write a post soon about Repentance, and although that is probably not necessary for Will, the 'forgiveness' part of repentance is important as many of these men just need to forgive themselves and let go of the self hatred. It's a personal journey for each individual, and we certainly don't profess to have all the answers, but we can share what we know and have learned, and hope to be whatever support we can to you both. Have a great day - and keep the faith. :)

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  5. Thank you for linking in my blog. For what it's worth, if you are looking for a couple who have been married longer, I suspect my wife and I would qualify (at least by a bit). Not only that, but I suspect there is a large collection of couples that are remaining silent. In a talk given for FAIR (a Mormon apologetics group), Joshua Johansen reported that "In every ward of the Church, LDS Family Services estimates there are four or five members with SSA, and about half have a temple marriage and kids." (check out his whole paper here: http://www.fairlds.org/fair-conferences/2012-fair-conference/2012-navigating-the-labyrinth-surrounding-homosexual-desire )
    That's a lot of members that we never hear about. But most of us are silent. Most people in our situation don't see much benefit to coming out, or at least don't think the benefits outway the possible costs. I am one of them. But it does cut us off from support we might otherwise receive. I don't live in an area that makes it possible to get support from events like Cirling the Wagons or other conferences for gay-oriented members. I know I lack that kind of support. But there are tons of people in this situation. It's too bad the subject is still so taboo in most church cirlces. At least it's true for my generation. You're a bit closer to the younger generation that is more open to talking about it. I'm a little jealous.

    Anyway, it has been good to read your blog, and I hope you inspire many others to open up, as well.

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  6. I think it is equally important that you too have a happy and fulfilling life. That seems to get left off often as the world seems to orbit around the gay man who is married to a woman. Here's a bit of what I mean.
    Are you really not bothered by your husband being attracted to other men? That he sometimes feels attraction so strong that it is almost electric? (he wrote that in another post, noting how easy it would be (but he wouldn't) . . .Do you really find it cute when he develops a crush? When he hugs men that he is attracted to?
    It is okay to be 100% nervous about this, although I understand the urge to make everything 'normal' again. It's good that you are getting some support from others who have gone/are going through this. But please don't forget that you being happy and fulfilled is just as important as him being happy and fulfilled. So maybe if YOU need a hug or some positive reinforcement from other men in a safe way, maybe that is okay too. And I'm serious about that. If he needs some of his needs met elsewhere, maybe you do too. Maybe you need to be able to talk to a man that you are attracted to. Maybe you need to have a support group of straight men while he has his support group of SSA men. Maybe you need to be able to have a crush too. Otherwise, it is all about him and his needs, even though he sounds very loving and concerned for you and I'm sure he is. But while he is being that and feeling that, he is also crushing and thinking about other men. He may not be sleeping with them or ever touching them sexually, but part of his mind is there, thinking about this man or that man that he likes. Is it really the same as your attraction to men? You are attracted to men and have chosen to be faithful to one man. He is attracted to men and really letting those feelings out now - that is amazing for him, very liberating. But is it for you? And if he really is like a teenager, he can't control these thoughts - in fact, it sounds like for the first time in his life he is being allowed to feel them. which is great for him. Do you get to have the same? or do you just watch as he crushes and be there for him when he needs to talk about his crushes? When he needs to tell you that he was so attracted to someone that it was almost electric? now that he is able to have these feelings, they aren't going to go away - are you able to handle a lifetime of your husband telling you that he is agonizing over an attraction/crush for another man? It sounds like he will never ever be sexual with anyone else but what about what is going on in his mind? How faithful is it when someone develops feelings for others - googly-eyed, heart-racing feelings of infatuation - when he is married? Josh Weed bless his heart says he does not have crushes on other men so it might just be easier for his wife than it is for you.
    I hope deeply for your sake that your marriage does work out - you have a lot invested in this man.It may never be the 'normal' that you want again - but a new normal which may be okay as well. Until then, I think it is okay and normal for you to feel nervous - he has been set free, but have you?

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    Replies
    1. I had a fairly normal teenager-hood. I already went through all the emotions that Will is now going through. I had boyfriends and had plenty of crushes! I have given him the space and support to be able to emotional "grow-up". I have watched him go through the emotions and progress the way most people do in their youth. He is not staying in the same emotional place. He is progressing and very quickly. In the last 10 months he has gone through what most youth take a decade or more to do. I honestly believe that once he matures emotional a little more that he will get to where most married people ideally should be. Happy with their spouse and no longer really having crushes and the like. (My guess is Josh Weed didn't squash all those gay feeling and so he already went through them as a youth.)

      I really haven't had issues with him finding guys cute, or having crushes. To me that would be unfair to not allow him to have those feelings and to make those normal progressions. Part of me thinks it is unfair that he can't allow feeling to progress normally into more than that at times. I know that isn't what he wants though and it is certainly not what I want, but I do feel bad sometimes that he can't.

      Now, am I happy and getting my needs met? I like guys. I now get to be around A LOT of guys. Yea, most are gay, but they are still guys. I get to talk with and get lots of hugs from lots of cute guys. It's actually a pretty win-win situation a least as far as that goes.

      As we are 10 months into this, I think things are finally normalizing out, yes a new normal, but comfortable. I think for the time being, this all still makes me a little wary, but that is fair. Lots of things can make a wife wary and that is just life.

      I am happy with where we are at. There are still many things that we are trying to figure out and I think it will might be a long time before we figure everything out but that is just the way life is. We have a good marriage and though I would say we were close before and had a good marriage, our marriage is actually stronger now and closer. Being more open and authentic I believe creates a place where you can become closer because you aren't holding anything back.

      Thank you for your sweet concerns for me. :)
      ~Azalea

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