Growing and Learning as Will pointed out I have done.
Over the last week or so I have found myself thinking of and
even saying to Will that I wish we could go back to the way things were. Not,
that I really want that, but this new path is a bit scary and in a lot of ways
uncomfortable. I have heard Will say
quite a few times over the last little while that he is so far out of his
comfort zone that he doesn’t even
remember where it is anymore. I
didn’t think much about my wishing things to go back until I was talking with
someone Sunday night and they said at this point many wives try and pull their
husband’s back. I thought about that for a few minutes then and I was thinking
about it again today. I have NO desire to go back to the ways things were. Was
it safer? Perceivably, but not
necessarily. Will was getting tired of hiding such a big part of him. Was it more comfortable? Maybe, but it was
preventing us from having as close of relationship that we have now; no
secrets, no elephants in the room, as I have heard it spoken as. Will can be totally himself and though I
wouldn’t have said I was keeping anything from being in the open, it has
allowed me to be more myself too.
Thinking about it a little deeper, there have been a few
times Will wishes he could go back too. I wonder if now is when both husband
and wife start questioning what they are doing. If the wife start pulling back and the husband
is wondering, “What in the world am I doing?” I could see a lot of issues arise and
frustrations on both sides. Thankfully
Will and I are usually on opposite sides. If I want something he doesn’t and if he
doesn’t, I do. I think it is God’s
humorous way of keeping us on the right path. : )
I have watched and listened to my introverted husband among
people over the years. Though not
unfriendly or unsociable at all, it took a lot for him to be comfortable around
others, to share of himself, and to introduce himself and make conversations
with perfect strangers. The later of the
two he often avoided. He would more
likely stick to comfortable conversation and the people that he knew. Last
night watching him, at a fireside, among his fellow SSA men, he was amazing. Introducing himself to many and sharing some
of his talents that he only used to share if someone asked. For the 1st time in his life, he
can truly be his entire self! He isn’t
afraid of someone finding out his is gay so he isn’t trying to control how
other people see him. He is gay and so
if he is a little softer, a little more sensitive, more caring, and some of
those other stereotypical traits, and that’s ok. I’m finding that the man I married was in many
ways wearing a mask that covered over who he really was. Though it didn’t cover all of who he was it
did cover up some of the best parts. The
leader parts and whatever part made him an introvert which is now clearly
something he is not.
I find it scary that he is now around so many SSA guys. Did I mention that there are a lot of good
looking SSA men out there‼! Before, well
as of summer, we knew of a few SSA guys and we knew of a few gay guys but there
weren’t anyone that I was worried about at all.
So I wasn’t worried at all. So
Will is out, that’s nice. Now he is out
and he is among other men that are attracted to other men. Scary!
I can see what amazing things that are coming from it
though. He is being taught and he is
learning how to have good and healthy relationships with these men. As I watched several wonderful men take my
husband in as one of their own, it was amazing.
I know he was out of his comfort zone but I can see the healing already
happening as he is loved and taught by actions and words by these men that didn’t
even know my husband until a little over a month ago.
I can see that without this journey, had Will ended up
meeting another SSA guy, it would have been a lot easier to end up the wrong
place as he had no skills or preparation for dealing with such a situation. Going through the right avenues, with me by
his side, he is learning and growing, and being taught by the Spirit and by
others how to be healthy as an SSA man and have healthy relationships not only
with other guys but it’s helping our relationship too.
Does it scare me to death to have him go “hang out” with
other SSA guys. YES! Do I trust Heavenly Father and Will…well
Heavenly Father at this point. YES! It’s not that I don’t trust Will because I
really do... it’s just that I still don’t feel he has learned enough and been
far enough in this journey to know how to be as careful as he will be when he
has learned a little more. See not
-quite- over the “it’s a little
scary” part yet. In fairness, knowing my
husband was SSA, I have been in a VERY
comfortable place for over a decade. My
husband wasn’t interested in gals and he was NOT going to be interested in guys
so my marriage was SAFE. Now I’m having
to deal with what EVERY married women has to deal with. There is always that possibility even if it is
just an ever so slim one. So I kind-a
got double whammed. : )
I am very grateful for the path we are on and that Heavenly
Father prepared both Will and I to be where we are, to be able to be ok with
where we are and to be in a place that we can learn so quickly the things he
wants us to learn to be able to be where he wants us to be.
~Azalea
Azalea - (mrs. IDM here) I can completely relate to what you are saying about some of the emotions that you are feeling. I know that, even though you have a very strong relationship, and you each clearly have much faith and a common commitment to living the gospel, it is still a very hard thing, at times, to work through all the "unusual" feelings, quirks, and issues that arise. Our prayers are with you and Will, and we have great faith in each of you from reading your blog and feeling of your great spirits. Our advice is to talk, talk, and talk together. Communication is so vital, even when it's hard - remember, "it's the secrets that make us sick", when it comes to a marriage relationship. :). Please let us know if we can help in any way, or just be a listening ear - email us anytime. Much love - hang in there - it's worth it. :D
ReplyDeleteAzelea,
ReplyDeleteYou need to be comforted in knowing that all men are not out on the prowl. we love and adore our wives and families. For some of us there may have been a tramatic cercumstances that have happened that have made us question our purpose and worth in life. It is only through the love of our wife that we will over come and be the person we know god meant us to be hear on the earth. "he never said it was going to be easy, He just said it would be worth it" Thanks for being so understanding to your fantastic husband!