Finding Strength of Will

This is the next in line of my journal entries following my journey of self acceptance. It was written around Thanksgiving 2013. I have been hanging on for so long in such a difficult place that I am worn out and run down.  I am at the end of my strength.  To say just hang on would be asking me to do the impossible.  We hear tales of people doing the impossible and it is tempting to suggest that I do the same.  But I have already been there.  I have been holding on when it was impossible.  And now it really is. Even as I am about to let go I see the potential before me for things to be better.  They are there, if I can just hold on a little longer.  Or so it seems.  But I cannot and to face that feels like white-hot tears burning my face as the fall.  To see the goal just out of reach.   So I want to turn away.  To fall gratefully and blissfully into the darkness.  To let it’s cold oblivion take me out of feeli...

I sit here in a moment of quiet reflection.  The  house is still.  I am still.  It has been some time since I felt still.  And silent.  But my mind is a whirl of thoughts and faces and dreams.  I hold my breath, almost, afraid that something will break this moment--the children waking up, or a phone call.  The sound of my keystrokes is almost too loud.  This moment is precious to me as I look inwards and outwards.  Inwards at who I have become and what has changed; outwards at where I am and what hasn’t changed. I feel the need to recount the dream that I woke with; it is still lingering in my memory, which is unusual.  Most fade more quickly than the frost in the morning sunlight.  Many details have faded, but one incident sticks out clearly in my mind.  My dreaming mind visited a prison.  Dirty, somber and grim.  I was standing in a hallway leading into a room, small but high-walled.  I could not see the c...

Ok, I guess Will is right. I have come a LONG way in a month. So has he actually. We have met some very amazing people that we now call friends. I have no doubt that we are exactly where we are supposed to be. ~Azalea

Over the last week or so I have found myself thinking of and even saying to Will that I wish we could go back to the way things were. Not, that I really want that, but this new path is a bit scary and in a lot of ways uncomfortable.   I have heard Will say quite a few times over the last little while that he is so far out of his comfort zone that he doesn’t even   remember where it is anymore.   I didn’t think much about my wishing things to go back until I was talking with someone Sunday night and they said at this point many wives try and pull their husband’s back. I thought about that for a few minutes then and I was thinking about it again today. I have NO desire to go back to the ways things were. Was it safer?   Perceivably, but not necessarily. Will was getting tired of hiding such a big part of him.   Was it more comfortable? Maybe, but it was preventing us from having as close of relationship that we have now; no secrets, no elephants in the room, a...