Change your grip

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This is the next in line of my journal entries following my journey of self acceptance. It was written around Thanksgiving 2013.

 I have been hanging on for so long in such a difficult place that I am worn out and run down.  I am at the end of my strength.  To say just hang on would be asking me to do the impossible.  We hear tales of people doing the impossible and it is tempting to suggest that I do the same.  But I have already been there.  I have been holding on when it was impossible.  And now it really is.

Even as I am about to let go I see the potential before me for things to be better.  They are there, if I can just hold on a little longer.  Or so it seems.  But I cannot and to face that feels like white-hot tears burning my face as the fall.  To see the goal just out of reach.  

So I want to turn away.  To fall gratefully and blissfully into the darkness.  To let it’s cold oblivion take me out of feeling, out of pain.  What the face of the darkness looks like is a new beginning, a new start.  Fresh and free.  But it is an illusion.

There has to be another way, I think, and as I think the thought it comes to me.  Standing sure and steadfast on the wrong path is just as doomed for failure as is running away.

The only answer is to do the right thing.  To adapt, to change with the circumstances.  To grow.  Change your grip.  Hold on in a different way.  Move on, but move forward.

Sometimes the way forward looks like the way back.  It may be ugly and uncomfortable but it doesn't mean it's wrong.

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