Finding Strength of Will

Here is my blog post for ldslights.org. I sat down to type one thing but as I typed this is what I ended up with instead. It is a bit of a tribute to a friend whose funeral we attended yesterday. Written January 11th, 2015 by Wrylon The above picture is a picture of our family’s feet, from years ago. Today we attended the funeral of a friend. When things like this happen it makes us look at our own lives. How am I living? What influence am I showing? The woman today left an influence all around the country and especially among her family, friends and acquaintances. As she was sick over the last few months, friends went to be with her and comfort her, but it ended up the other way around. Those that visited her left feeling comforted. What good I am doing in the world? The words to the song “Because I Have Been Given Much” by Grace Noll Crowell come to mind, the beginning and the 3 rd  verse. Because I have been given much I too must give. …. Because I have been blessed ...

This is the next in line of my journal entries following my journey of self acceptance. It was written around Thanksgiving 2013. I have been hanging on for so long in such a difficult place that I am worn out and run down.  I am at the end of my strength.  To say just hang on would be asking me to do the impossible.  We hear tales of people doing the impossible and it is tempting to suggest that I do the same.  But I have already been there.  I have been holding on when it was impossible.  And now it really is. Even as I am about to let go I see the potential before me for things to be better.  They are there, if I can just hold on a little longer.  Or so it seems.  But I cannot and to face that feels like white-hot tears burning my face as the fall.  To see the goal just out of reach.   So I want to turn away.  To fall gratefully and blissfully into the darkness.  To let it’s cold oblivion take me out of feeli...

Just did something scary.  I am an emotional person.  I develop strong feelings for my friends and my feelings for my male friends are particularly deep. To clarify before I go on, I have two concepts of "gay" in my mind.  I am developing the new and depreciating the old.  The first (new) says I am me and this sometimes describes aspects of me.  The other (old) says this is who I am.  The first encourages identity, the second destroys it. So, in that light I was realizing this morning that I was missing one of my best  friends.  He lives out of state and we used to talk often.  We've gotten busier and it's been a few months since we talked.  He's not SSA and my thought was: "I can't tell him that I'm missing him because that will sound gay (second definition)."  BAM!  Instant fear of rejection. "You're missing him because he's your friend and it's been a while since you talked.  Yes love for your male friends ver...

Emotions are defined as a conscious mental reaction accompanied by physiological changes.  In my experience, this definition falls short.  I “feel” with my heart or with other parts of my body.  I think with my mind.  While I suppose it is possible that the experience is all nothing more than a series of synaptic responses to stimuli acquired by sensory organs and nerves, to me it is more than that.  It is the essence of being.  It moves me, drives me, urges me.  Emotions are reactions to experiences, whether external or originating from my thoughts.  But my thoughts are separate, their own entity.  But they are tied.  I wonder if one could function properly without the other?  Emotions moving, thoughts interpreting and directing.  Emotions are my motor, my thoughts are the control mechanisms.  When they function together, I am optimally tuned.  When I withdraw into my thoughts, intellectualizing, I leave emotion be...

Here is a, well, lengthy, introduction that I wrote about myself and our story that I needed to write out for something I was doing: My name is Azalea and I think I have a much different perspective.   I LOVE being in a mixed orientation marriage.   Will and I met while going to school and shortly after meeting got engaged.     It was just,   right.   After being engaged a few months and getting to know each other a little better, he told me about his SSA.   It really didn’t mean much to either of us.   SSA was this odd thing he struggled with.   He struggled a little off and on with some things but I for the most part didn’t know about it and I really didn’t know of much effect it had on our marriage.   Looking back Will knows that it did have some effect but thankfully he was really blessed and protected.   Fast forward over a decade to June of this year.     A friend posted on Facebook a link to Josh Weeds c...

I am Azalea, Will’s wife. He is gay and I am the opposite.  I LOVE guys!  LOL  He was worried I would be uncomfortable at a North Star Fireside which was mostly all (SSA/gay) men.  Really?  You do know me, right?  A place where there are mostly men and for that matter kind, sensitive, caring men?  Sounds like heaven to me! So in the last few months my husband Will has embraced the fact that he is gay.  He is becoming a different person and it is so fun!  Our marriage is very solid and we are best friends.  I think that is what makes this all work so well. I love that my Will can see the big picture. He, much like Josh Weed, knew he wanted to go on a mission for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, he knew he wanted to marry in the Temple and he knew he wanted to have a family and he knew that he wanted to remain a faithful Latter-day Saint. This is one of the reasons he was not going to be gay. Well, it gets to the poin...

Rough day today.  Been emotional lately.  Some days everything makes sense.  Today wasn't one of them.  Even things that usually make sense didn't today.  The slightest thing would set me off crying, too.  I'm sure that some of it's been not enough sleep.  Thoughts have been disjointed, random, and it was a struggle to put them together.  It was as if my thoughts were a bag of marbles, spilled on the floor of a gymnasium.  Thank goodness the day's almost over.