Just did something scary.  I am an emotional person.  I develop strong feelings for my friends and my feelings for my male friends are particularly deep.

To clarify before I go on, I have two concepts of "gay" in my mind.  I am developing the new and depreciating the old.  The first (new) says I am me and this sometimes describes aspects of me.  The other (old) says this is who I am.  The first encourages identity, the second destroys it.

So, in that light I was realizing this morning that I was missing one of my best  friends.  He lives out of state and we used to talk often.  We've gotten busier and it's been a few months since we talked.  He's not SSA and my thought was: "I can't tell him that I'm missing him because that will sound gay (second definition)."  BAM!  Instant fear of rejection.

"You're missing him because he's your friend and it's been a while since you talked.  Yes love for your male friends very strongly," my mind said.  "And you like that part of you.  And yes, you are gay (first definition) and that's OK.  He is your friend and he doesn't care."

So I texted him and told him I was missing him, feeling very gay and mostly not caring, but more importantly feeling being me.  That feels a bit new and strange, but good.  

He said he'd call me tonight and I'm looking forward to it.

Posted by Lucas Jones On 2/13/2014 09:34:00 AM 3 comments

3 comments:

  1. Good for you, Lucas. We all should be so honest with ourselves.

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  2. Such longing comes natural. I remember having those feelings regarding my male friends when I was in a MOM. It is difficult also when we see others getting 100% of what their heart desires! and we feel cheated by our 90%. Eventually my former wife felt that I wasn't 100% of what she needed after 18 years of a rock solid marriage. I couldn't be that 100% man for her! and she knew from the very first date re my SSA. I did all of the right things and still lost. I surrendered my church membership out of respect for the priesthood and the church because I knew of and felt uncomfortable with the condemnation. 5 yrs of friendship and 18 years of working together, and the birth of our precious son were not enough to keep my ex-wife content. It was hurtful. Now, partnered with a straight man, my ex has her 100%, and so do I with my husband. High prices to pay. That's why I wish for your success w all of my heart. You deserve the best that The Lord can grant you. Thank you for your blog. I wish my story had been a successful one.

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  3. I understand this... I've had it happen to me too. Most of my closest friends live back in Utah, and when I moved to Arizona it was super hard to be away from them (especially since I'm not good at making new friends, haha)... but it works itself out, and it's great that you recognize that it's okay to miss them :) Sometimes relationships change, I think in many ways the relationship with one of my best friends became better and stronger after I left Utah... oddly. Thanks for the post :)

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