Finding Strength of Will

Just did something scary.  I am an emotional person.  I develop strong feelings for my friends and my feelings for my male friends are particularly deep. To clarify before I go on, I have two concepts of "gay" in my mind.  I am developing the new and depreciating the old.  The first (new) says I am me and this sometimes describes aspects of me.  The other (old) says this is who I am.  The first encourages identity, the second destroys it. So, in that light I was realizing this morning that I was missing one of my best  friends.  He lives out of state and we used to talk often.  We've gotten busier and it's been a few months since we talked.  He's not SSA and my thought was: "I can't tell him that I'm missing him because that will sound gay (second definition)."  BAM!  Instant fear of rejection. "You're missing him because he's your friend and it's been a while since you talked.  Yes love for your male friends ver...

I originally wrote this early October, 2012.  It's now eight months later.  I feel like I have slowed down and stabilized but that has brought it's own challenges.  More on that later. So the complications of affection and intimacy have been weighing on my mind this week.  I feel that I’m confused about what is right and I am hoping that writing it down will help.  As I’ve talked to Wrylon about some of it, she answers in such a matter of fact way that I am envious of the clarity that has been gifted to her.  However I must admit that I enjoy the complexities and facets of life.  She sees the diamond and that it is beautiful, I look at each cut and facet and how the reflections play off each other, dividing the light and creating rainbows. I'm not sure what I wanted to say but suddenly my thoughts are clouded.  Clarity is replaced with a fog.  I want to push on, to try and to pursue this line of thought, to chase the thought that has just...

When I first came out I was so unfamiliar with the new me that I wasn't even able to write to myself in a journal.  I composed letters instead about what I was learning and discovering.  Here is the second letter I wrote: So I’m on day 3 now, meaning it’s been days since I accepted myself.  Wanted to share some interesting changes that I’ve noticed: 1) I feel lighter and happy, pretty consistently.  Things that would normally get me down don’t.  I’m familiar with the euphoria of getting something new in your life (baby, job, wife, etc.) so I know this probably won’t last forever, but I sure am enjoying it while it does. 2) I feel like I can be myself--which I suppose means that I have never quite been myself.  For example, I can let myself be caring and sensitive without feeling guarded.  So what if someone thinks I’m a little softer than the average “man”!  They’re right.  It’s who I am and I like me that way. 3) I’ve stopped belittl...