Finding Strength of Will

I had begun to see a pattern in my life.  With those people that I would open up to, to allow them to really see the true me, faults and strengths, I would begin to form incredible healthy, loving connections that made both of us in the relationship feel more whole, loved, and accepted.  It is an amazing feeling.  I will take that feeling over any other "high" any day, hands down. I saw a comment by one of my Wife's friends on Facebook this morning: " Today I realized that I am afraid to enter into a relationship space with a man because I am fearful that once I allow myself that vulnerability, I will completely lose myself within that person. That that person with then take advantage of the vulnerability. This is going to take longer than I thought." In my weird world of SSA, I am feeling exactly  the same way.  Oh, the complexity of life!  While sexual intimacy will always be reserved for my sweetheart and true love, I am learning, a little painfully...

Today I had a new thought, a new realization. Our family has been given a wonderful gift, an incredible gift. The gift of the man of the house, the father and husband, being SSA.  Being SSA has many challenges and complications but at the same time parts of those, along with other things that go along with SSA, are gifts. Will is learning how valuable and important touch is. As a society we have decided that men touching or being physically close is "gay". So men veer away for touching much at all. We have "man hugs". Many other cultures don't share this. SSA men NEED good healthy touch. As they get this good healthy touch their SSA attractions diminish. They don't go away. They will always think guys are cute, but so do I, so I don't see that as an issue. As these SSA men learn what they need and about healthy touch, they will in turn be able to share it with others. Our children will have been raised learning the healthy touch isn't "gay...

These letter were written just a few days after "coming out" to myself.  I was still barely accepting myself at the time and it took tremendous courage to even write this.  But the writing of it was very freeing and I was continuing to gain valuable insight and growing at a tremendous rate. The Third Letter: I don’t plan on publicly “coming out”.  I see no purpose for it.  But if someone asked, I think I would tell them. So I’ve been thinking about what I would tell them.  Maybe it would go like this: Him:  You’re sure sensitive for a guy -- are you gay? Me:  What, no! That’s what I keep saying in my mental role-play with myself.  Apparently it’s going to take a while to get used to this. I think I’m struggling because I don’t associate myself with the term “gay”.  A gay guy is someone that wears tight clothes that are a just to flamboyant to look normal on Brad Pitt, and someone who is likely to be caught giggling, talks with a high/soft...

I sit here in a moment of quiet reflection.  The  house is still.  I am still.  It has been some time since I felt still.  And silent.  But my mind is a whirl of thoughts and faces and dreams.  I hold my breath, almost, afraid that something will break this moment--the children waking up, or a phone call.  The sound of my keystrokes is almost too loud.  This moment is precious to me as I look inwards and outwards.  Inwards at who I have become and what has changed; outwards at where I am and what hasn’t changed. I feel the need to recount the dream that I woke with; it is still lingering in my memory, which is unusual.  Most fade more quickly than the frost in the morning sunlight.  Many details have faded, but one incident sticks out clearly in my mind.  My dreaming mind visited a prison.  Dirty, somber and grim.  I was standing in a hallway leading into a room, small but high-walled.  I could not see the c...

Ok, I guess Will is right. I have come a LONG way in a month. So has he actually. We have met some very amazing people that we now call friends. I have no doubt that we are exactly where we are supposed to be. ~Azalea

Over the last week or so I have found myself thinking of and even saying to Will that I wish we could go back to the way things were. Not, that I really want that, but this new path is a bit scary and in a lot of ways uncomfortable.   I have heard Will say quite a few times over the last little while that he is so far out of his comfort zone that he doesn’t even   remember where it is anymore.   I didn’t think much about my wishing things to go back until I was talking with someone Sunday night and they said at this point many wives try and pull their husband’s back. I thought about that for a few minutes then and I was thinking about it again today. I have NO desire to go back to the ways things were. Was it safer?   Perceivably, but not necessarily. Will was getting tired of hiding such a big part of him.   Was it more comfortable? Maybe, but it was preventing us from having as close of relationship that we have now; no secrets, no elephants in the room, a...

When I first came out I was so unfamiliar with the new me that I wasn't even able to write to myself in a journal.  I composed letters instead about what I was learning and discovering.  Here is the second letter I wrote: So I’m on day 3 now, meaning it’s been days since I accepted myself.  Wanted to share some interesting changes that I’ve noticed: 1) I feel lighter and happy, pretty consistently.  Things that would normally get me down don’t.  I’m familiar with the euphoria of getting something new in your life (baby, job, wife, etc.) so I know this probably won’t last forever, but I sure am enjoying it while it does. 2) I feel like I can be myself--which I suppose means that I have never quite been myself.  For example, I can let myself be caring and sensitive without feeling guarded.  So what if someone thinks I’m a little softer than the average “man”!  They’re right.  It’s who I am and I like me that way. 3) I’ve stopped belittl...