Trapped

Trapped

Last night I read a post by a man in a similar situation to me.  He mentioned that while he loves his wife and his family, he feels trapped.  Here’s my response.

TL;DR:  The short answer is yes, I have felt trapped in the situation you described.

The longer answer has me asking myself Why do I feel trapped?  In any given space, I might feel restricted, even constricted at times, but not necessarily trapped.  Even knowing that there is more outside that space doesn’t inherently make me feel trapped.  What makes the difference?  My experience is that I only begin to feel trapped when my needs cannot be reasonably met inside the space.

Three obvious questions then:  How do I stop feeling trapped, How do I know what I need, and What about commandments?  

The first question is the easiest.  Whatever it is that you’re missing either must come into the space you are in, or you have to expand the space.   If all your friends move, expanding your space could mean going out of your comfort zone and finding ways to make new friends.  In the same situation getting your needs met in the space could look like getting to know yourself better and finding things you enjoy doing on your own.

Sometimes when people tell me examples like that I jump to conclusions, such as “if learn to like being by myself enough then maybe I can get to the point where I’m OK without friends.”  Because human relationship needs are so complex, that’s a false assumption.  In some situations I’ve thought I was looking for companionship only to discover that I was looking for a distraction.  If I’m doing that, maybe I can find my own ways to distract myself for a time.  That said, no amount of self-love can make up for genuinely needing closeness with other people.

How do I know what I need?  It’s about half trial and error, half learning about what it means to be human.  Basic human desires are like indicator lights on a dashboard.  They tell me to pay attention, but the don’t necessarily tell me what to do to fix it.  Craving chocolate cake doesn’t mean I need chocolate cake.  It could mean I’m craving comfort (a valid need).  I could also be lacking calories which provide energy, or even fats which are necessary for healthy brain function, among other things.  Or I could be remembering the way I felt when I ate chocolate cake last, including who I was with, and the situations I was in.  Maybe my mom always made chocolate cake on my birthday and I’m subconsciously missing my mom.  

So what do you do?  Do you eat chocolate cake or not?  How much?  Learning about nutrition and dietary needs can help in making rational decisions.  But so can applying the principle of the seed of faith:  plant the seed and see what fruit it grows.  Simply:  try it out and see how you feel afterwards.  If you’re starving and you eat a huge slice of chocolate cake, how do you feel while eating it?  Immediately after eating it?  An hour after eating it?  Maybe even the next day?

So how do you apply this to human relationship needs?  Enter discussion on commandments and agency, an often very sticky discussion.  

God speaks for God.  Period.  Sure God supports his prophets as the leaders of his church.  We also believe in having a personal relationship with God, including personal revelation and confirmation of truths.  Anyone telling me what God meant by something is speaking from their own perception and does not necessarily represent the views, etc., of God.  

Here’s my suggestion.  It’s what I practice in my life.  Any time I feel a “should” creeping into my thoughts, I change it to “could”, and re-evaluate.  

A common statement is that, “I am not gay/SSA/etc.  My identity is a child of God.”  I agree with that.  It’s the following thoughts that I take issue with.  For example:  “My identity is a child of God…and so I should keep the commandments…to show God I love him…because they are the right way…etc.”  I like this viewpoint better:  “My identity is a child of God…and so He knows me individual and knows how to succor me in my infirmities.”  I choose to apply the atonement by listening to my own thoughts.  Stay with me — I’m not talking about doing whatever I want.  My ultimate goal is to be in-line with God. 

Applying it to the situation you presented:  I should stay with my family.  Conversely, I should “be authentic” and find a man.  I should keep the commandments.  Etc.

Some people told me not to question.  In this journey the questions are thrust on me, whether I want them or not.  I’ve found it much more useful to learn how to ask questions.  

I take each of these, say a prayer stating my intention to God to understand myself and his will for me better, and I start:  “I could stay with my family.”  I think about it.  Why that is important to me.  What makes it difficult.  “I could leave my family and find a man.”  What do I like about that?  What don’t I?  How do I feel as I picture each situation?  What thoughts come to mind?  What fears?  What hopes?  “I could keep the commandments.”  “I could break the commandments.” As you practice this you begin to notice that insight comes, as do nudging of the spirit as you take that inspiration and make choices.  Warning:  this requires brutal personal honesty and a tremendous amount of courage and faith in God.  And it can be the work of a lifetime.

It’s important that this feels more like a conversation.  Sometimes my own thoughts seem like there is no way they could be in line with God.  Sometimes that scares me so much I don’t want to look at my own thoughts.  In those instances I picture sitting down with God and having a conversation with him, sharing those thoughts, learning to listen without judgment.

Sometimes this means a choice is clear.  Sometimes God has expected me to try things outs, to learn from my experience.  God also does not always immediately take away my pain or the pain of others.  Pain is often part of the process of discovering who we are and what God’s individualized path for us is like.

Rather that leading me further from God and the commandments, this exercise has helped me be more patient with myself, strengthened my relationship with God, and keeps my focus on God above all else.  Sometimes God’s led me in unexpected paths, sometimes I have appeared to “stray from the covenant path”.  But really God just had to take me on a detour, sometimes for things outside of my control, or because there was something I needed to learn.  The commandments are made for us, not us for them.  The difficulty of the situations we face hasn’t changed for me, but my attitudes have.  I also can now see that things happen for me, not to me.  And my trust in God is growing.