Relationships
A quick thought on relationships. The moment the line is crossed from a healthy to an unhealthy relationship is the instant we choose not to face our fears. It is the moment when we choose to act in a way to try to control or manipulate the other person’s actions to try to prevent the object of the fear. The insidious nature of this is that we may unconsciously hide our fears, such as fear of rejection, fear of abandonment, fear of failure, behind a mask of needing to care for or help the other person. However, because the true motivating factor is fear, any pursuing action is grown out of that fear. An orange will not grow from an apple seed. The only way to alter the results of ensuing actions is to make the conscious choice to follow a different path, to grow our tree of actions from seeds of courage, hope, trust, and all other Godly principles. The resulting course corrections may require minimal or substantial changes in actions, depending on how long our actions have grown from the wrong seeds.
Two examples:
Lets say I'm afraid that my boss will think I'm not productive. I can either speak to him with courage and boldness and explain to him what I do and admit to areas that I may need some work in (face the fear), or I can try to hide areas in which I feel inadequate (living in the fear).
Second example. Lets say I'm in a relationship that I value and the I want to grow and develop. The other person in the relationship asks me to do something for him or her that I may not want to or may not be able to do without compromise of my values. This could be as simple as asking me to run an unnecessary errand that will cause me to be late for work or as complicated as asking me to cross more substantial boundaries of morality. I can either communicate to them my boundaries and lovingly stand my ground (facing my fear of rejection), or I can choose to do the requested action and hide behind thoughts of "I'm doing it because I love them/care for them/need to support them/etc." (Living in the fear)
Facing the fear will cause me to choose actions that will lead me to obtain that which I desire: stability, safety, honor, integrity, peace of mind and conscience, satisfying and meaningful relationships. Living in the fear will cause me to choose actions that pull me and others down, that lead to increased anger, frustration, resentment, and that will ultimately lead to further weakening of boundaries and relationships.
Here's the catch: Facing your fears feels scary at first and requires effort. Living in your fears is easy at first and requires almost no investment.
This is the basis of the term "self fulfilling prophecy". Facing my fears I am operating on the belief that things can be better. Living in my fears I am operating on the belief that things won't get better.
This is faith.
Second example. Lets say I'm in a relationship that I value and the I want to grow and develop. The other person in the relationship asks me to do something for him or her that I may not want to or may not be able to do without compromise of my values. This could be as simple as asking me to run an unnecessary errand that will cause me to be late for work or as complicated as asking me to cross more substantial boundaries of morality. I can either communicate to them my boundaries and lovingly stand my ground (facing my fear of rejection), or I can choose to do the requested action and hide behind thoughts of "I'm doing it because I love them/care for them/need to support them/etc." (Living in the fear)
Facing the fear will cause me to choose actions that will lead me to obtain that which I desire: stability, safety, honor, integrity, peace of mind and conscience, satisfying and meaningful relationships. Living in the fear will cause me to choose actions that pull me and others down, that lead to increased anger, frustration, resentment, and that will ultimately lead to further weakening of boundaries and relationships.
Here's the catch: Facing your fears feels scary at first and requires effort. Living in your fears is easy at first and requires almost no investment.
This is the basis of the term "self fulfilling prophecy". Facing my fears I am operating on the belief that things can be better. Living in my fears I am operating on the belief that things won't get better.
This is faith.
I agree with you, but I also think the idea can be taken too far. Doing the right thing for the wrong reasons can be problematic, but doing the wrong thing for any reason is usually more so. For example, obeying traffic laws out of fear of being pulled over by a cop is not as healthy as obeying traffic laws because we want people on the roads to be safe and well. But I'd rather people obey the laws out of fear than not obey them at all.
ReplyDeleteSimilarly, let's take your first example. If someone is afraid their boss might think that they are unproductive, they are less likely to explain their insecurities about their performance to their boss. Just because the motivation is fear, that doesn't mean the person made the wrong choice. It just means the motivation needs to change, and insecurities need to be dealt with. Whether or not to talk with the boss depends more on the situation and personality of the boss than the person's motivation.
I agree with you.
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