Finding Strength of Will

There are many reasons why being married to a woman is good enough for me, and in some ways better or easier for me than being with a guy. Jealousy .  Maybe this is unique to my wife and I but as this is about me and what works for me, it certainly is applicable:  neither of us is jealous of friendships that either of us has for either gender.  In addition, if one of us likes and is friends with a guy or a girl, the other is as well.  I suppose this isn’t entirely true — there have been a time or two that I’ve been jealous of Wrylon talking to another guy…when he was paying more attention to her than he was to me. No competition .  My attractions to men do not cause Wrylon the worry it would if I were attracted to women.  She doesn’t have the right parts and so there is no pressure on her to try to compete for my attention in that area. Sexual attraction .  This may seem counter intuitive but there are several factors in this area that make it easier for us.  Sexual attr

This is the next in line of my journal entries following my journey of self acceptance. It was written around Thanksgiving 2013. I have been hanging on for so long in such a difficult place that I am worn out and run down.  I am at the end of my strength.  To say just hang on would be asking me to do the impossible.  We hear tales of people doing the impossible and it is tempting to suggest that I do the same.  But I have already been there.  I have been holding on when it was impossible.  And now it really is. Even as I am about to let go I see the potential before me for things to be better.  They are there, if I can just hold on a little longer.  Or so it seems.  But I cannot and to face that feels like white-hot tears burning my face as the fall.  To see the goal just out of reach.   So I want to turn away.  To fall gratefully and blissfully into the darkness.  To let it’s cold oblivion take me out of feeling, out of pain.  What the face of the darkness looks like is a

Why do we call Lucas gay? There are lots of terms used for those that are same-sex attracted, same-gender attracted, gay, queer, just a man, a child of God, homo, homosexual, etc. Why do we chose the term gay? We did it on purpose and we do it more on purpose now, than we even did when we first started using it. We used it to begin with because it was a term we understood. It was a turning point in our lives and using the word we understood, signified that. We knew Lucas was SSA but it didn’t mean the same thing. That was something he and I wanted him to overcome and something I definitely didn’t understand, though he didn’t either.  Gay is a term we understood and it was different than SSA, in our eyes, and it was something we no longer wanted him to overcome but something to help him grow, and learn, and become more than who he was. SSA was a weakness, gay was something that we saw could become a strength. I know that seems odd to many, but I really believe there are SO many

So far this has been the story of my journey.  A lot of it has been about the confusion and the questions I've had as well as lots of other heavy stuff.  This is about lighter things, still part of my journey, but a very different part.  I wanted to include some of the reasons why I look forward to each day.   My children never cease to amaze me.  I continually learn from them, even when I think it's me that is supposed to be teaching them. Several days ago I got in an argument with my oldest son.  After asking him to stop spraying the other kids with water, I finally sent him inside with an extra chore to do.  He stormed off to his room and we then yelled at each other for a bit.  He was upset that I hadn't reminded him that I didn't want him spraying everyone.  Feeling like I needed to give him some direction, I held my ground and informed him that no one else in life is responsible for his actions except him and that he needed to go do his job. During the cou

2 years ago tomorrow was the day that I read Josh and Lolly Weeds blog post and started the conversation between Luke and I which started with, "You have to go read this. You are Mormon and married and gay and it's ok". (I knew he was SSA for 13 years but it had meant pretty much nothing to me. I really didn't understand until then.) As Lucas put it, "Is that all?". It has been an amazing and at times a very difficult journey. Not difficult so much between Lucas and I, usua lly, but just the feelings, and understanding and heartache for others and for Lucas. It was the difficulty of throwing out EVERYTHING we believed and thought and immediately putting back the absolutes that God lives and loves us and the pure and simple gospel of Jesus Christ and then rebuilding everything else from there. It was the difficulty or more scariness of coming out and of doing our Voices of Hope video and essays. The difficulty and the blessings God gave us w

Just did something scary.  I am an emotional person.  I develop strong feelings for my friends and my feelings for my male friends are particularly deep. To clarify before I go on, I have two concepts of "gay" in my mind.  I am developing the new and depreciating the old.  The first (new) says I am me and this sometimes describes aspects of me.  The other (old) says this is who I am.  The first encourages identity, the second destroys it. So, in that light I was realizing this morning that I was missing one of my best  friends.  He lives out of state and we used to talk often.  We've gotten busier and it's been a few months since we talked.  He's not SSA and my thought was: "I can't tell him that I'm missing him because that will sound gay (second definition)."  BAM!  Instant fear of rejection. "You're missing him because he's your friend and it's been a while since you talked.  Yes love for your male friends very stron

A quick thought on relationships. The moment the line is crossed from a healthy to an unhealthy relationship is the instant we choose not to face our fears.  It is the moment when we choose to act in a way to try to control or manipulate the other person’s actions to try to prevent the object of the fear.  The insidious nature of this is that we may unconsciously hide our fears, such as fear of rejection, fear of abandonment, fear of failure, behind a mask of needing to care for or help the other person.  However, because the true motivating factor is fear, any pursuing action is grown out of that fear.  An orange will not grow from an apple seed.  The only way to alter the results of ensuing actions is to make the conscious choice to follow a different path, to grow our tree of actions from seeds of courage, hope, trust, and all other Godly principles.  The resulting course corrections may require minimal or substantial changes in actions, depending on how long our actions have grown

So I was going through and deleting old e-mail today and I came across one that said "Porn for Women." It was from my mom and so I knew it was safe to click on. :)  As I clicked through the pictures they made me smile. My husband has done a lot of what was mentioned or at least similar. He buys me flowers in the winter when it isn't quite spring and he knows I am getting restless. Sometimes he buys me flowers just because. He takes me shoe shopping. He cooks for me along with many other things. I know that many husbands straight or otherwise do these things too, but they made me smile and so I thought I would share. Here are just a few of them:

14 minute Highlights Video of our Interview which included pictures.