See "On Affection, Part 1". It's been about a year since I wrote this.

It's been a bit. Took a break for a few minutes. Thoughts are coming again now. In reflection, what I have written here so far was not at all what I was expecting.  I was expecting to discourse on the complexity of attraction and the need for affection, and instead I found my answers in a surprising way.  I have been pondering about the ways in which people of the world seek for sexual fulfillment and gratification.  The ways are many and diverse, each bringing pleasure in its way, but very few resulting in real satisfaction.  And as our physical mind seeks pleasure, indeed it is programmed to do so, it is simple and easy to believe that in some way it is possible to be satisfied solely from pleasure. But most of these methods are almost entirely selfish and one-sided.  It is impossible to ever feel completely gratified and fulfilled when our primary motivation is to fulfill our own needs or desires.  Purely physical gratification is of no use to our soul.  And in fact invariably results in a dissension from things spiritual, leaving us with a memory of the sweet taste and with a horrible ache of longing.  Healthy sexual relationships can only exist when both individuals are truly seeking what is best for the other above the needs of the self. I realize, however, how easy it is to write this and how difficult it is in practice to see.

I have related to Wrylon and to others that during this processes of self discovery I have often felt that I have gone back to my teenage years.  That I am in some way having to go through something that the average person experienced and went through during the developmental process of being a young man or woman.  Other friends dealing with SSA have confirmed that this is common.  Knowing that, I have been better able to be patient with myself, but it has still been a struggle this week trying to figure out what to do with the strong attractions I feel. As man married to a woman, feeling strong attractions to other men is very confusing. The feelings have unusually lately, so much so that it seems like they are something new. If I'm honest with myself though, they're not. I've always been attracted to guys, it just any aspect of this is something I'd enjoy but quickly feel ashamed and afraid. Afraid of what it meant. I would fight to suppress and to convince myself that I was only having these thoughts and feelings because I gave way to them and that I had in some way created this state of being.  If I could just be good enough, or just be righteous enough, I would be able to change and they would go away.  It was a vicious cycle.
Posted by Lucas Jones On 11/04/2013 10:31:00 AM No comments

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