#6 On Affection, Part 2

By
See "On Affection, Part 1". It's been about a year since I wrote this.

It's been a bit. Took a break for a few minutes. Thoughts are coming again now. In reflection, what I have written here so far was not at all what I was expecting.  I was expecting to discourse on the complexity of attraction and the need for affection, and instead I found my answers in a surprising way.  I have been pondering about the ways in which people of the world seek for sexual fulfillment and gratification.  The ways are many and diverse, each bringing pleasure in its way, but very few resulting in real satisfaction.  And as our physical mind seeks pleasure, indeed it is programmed to do so, it is simple and easy to believe that in some way it is possible to be satisfied solely from pleasure. But most of these methods are almost entirely selfish and one-sided.  It is impossible to ever feel completely gratified and fulfilled when our primary motivation is to fulfill our own needs or desires.  Purely physical gratification is of no use to our soul.  And in fact invariably results in a dissension from things spiritual, leaving us with a memory of the sweet taste and with a horrible ache of longing.  Healthy sexual relationships can only exist when both individuals are truly seeking what is best for the other above the needs of the self. I realize, however, how easy it is to write this and how difficult it is in practice to see.

 I have related to Wrylon and to others that during this processes of self discovery I have often felt that I have gone back to my teenage years.  That I am in some way having to go through something that the average person experienced and went through during the developmental process of being a young man or woman.  Other friends dealing with SSA have confirmed that this is common.  Knowing that, I have been better able to be patient with myself, but it has still been a struggle this week trying to figure out what to do with the strong attractions I feel. As man married to a woman, feeling strong attractions to other men is very confusing. The feelings have unusually lately, so much so that it seems like they are something new. If I'm honest with myself though, they're not. I've always been attracted to guys, it just any aspect of this is something I'd enjoy but quickly feel ashamed and afraid. Afraid of what it meant. I would fight to suppress and to convince myself that I was only having these thoughts and feelings because I gave way to them and that I had in some way created this state of being.  If I could just be good enough, or just be righteous enough, I would be able to change and they would go away.  It was a vicious cycle.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Gay Marriage

By
I’m writing this in hopes that it will help clear my mind and because I need to do something.  I need to act, more than I have.  I just spent some time sobbing on my bathroom floor as frustration and a mess of other emotions overwhelmed me.  I just listened to Elder Oaks’ talk on where God wants me to stand on the topic of Gay Marriage.  And I believe all that he said.  I truly do.  I have already thought through and lived with the bulk of his statements.  I am a gay man, married to a woman, with children of my own.  I have seen the blessings of being married to a woman and I will affirm the importance of it to anyone who asks with no proof other than what I have experienced in my own life.  But it is still a challenge, sometimes a daily challenge to wade through the complexities of living as a man who is sexually attracted to men instead of women.  At times I feel as if I am single handedly sparing with generations of social stigmas and beliefs about how I should act and what I shou
Read more

Adjusting My Frame of Reference

By
Edited and updated. I've always tried to portray a very positive attitude when writing about my husband being SSA. For the most part that is very accurate. There are hard things too. The longer we are it though the more I realize that all marriages are just as hard.  We all have trials that we go through to make us stronger and ours is no different.  I think as long as a SSA person has learned to have healthy relationships with their same gender and they keep strong in their marriage then it is no different than being in a “normal” marriage which also will always have its issues too. As Will has grown emotionally he has taken more notice of people and their reactions/actions to people around them and now understands them better too.   He has noticed that some guys he is around, really like being around girls. Yes, obviously, but let me explain more.  He and a good straight guy friend, who both enjoy each other’s company, will be talking alone. A gal will walk in and the gu
Read more

#6 On affection, Part 1

By
I originally wrote this early October, 2012.  It's now eight months later.  I feel like I have slowed down and stabilized but that has brought it's own challenges.  More on that later. So the complications of affection and intimacy have been weighing on my mind this week.  I feel that I’m confused about what is right and I am hoping that writing it down will help.  As I’ve talked to Wrylon about some of it, she answers in such a matter of fact way that I am envious of the clarity that has been gifted to her.  However I must admit that I enjoy the complexities and facets of life.  She sees the diamond and that it is beautiful, I look at each cut and facet and how the reflections play off each other, dividing the light and creating rainbows. I'm not sure what I wanted to say but suddenly my thoughts are clouded.  Clarity is replaced with a fog.  I want to push on, to try and to pursue this line of thought, to chase the thought that has just eluded me.  But I can’t.  To do
Read more