Over the last week or so I have found myself thinking of and even saying to Will that I wish we could go back to the way things were. Not, that I really want that, but this new path is a bit scary and in a lot of ways uncomfortable.  I have heard Will say quite a few times over the last little while that he is so far out of his comfort zone that he doesn’t even  remember where it is anymore.  I didn’t think much about my wishing things to go back until I was talking with someone Sunday night and they said at this point many wives try and pull their husband’s back. I thought about that for a few minutes then and I was thinking about it again today. I have NO desire to go back to the ways things were. Was it safer?  Perceivably, but not necessarily. Will was getting tired of hiding such a big part of him.  Was it more comfortable? Maybe, but it was preventing us from having as close of relationship that we have now; no secrets, no elephants in the room, as I have heard it spoken as.  Will can be totally himself and though I wouldn’t have said I was keeping anything from being in the open, it has allowed me to be more myself too. 

Thinking about it a little deeper, there have been a few times Will wishes he could go back too. I wonder if now is when both husband and wife start questioning what they are doing.  If the wife start pulling back and the husband is wondering, “What in the world am I doing?”  I could see a lot of issues arise and frustrations on both sides.  Thankfully Will and I are usually on opposite sides.  If I want something he doesn’t and if he doesn’t, I do.  I think it is God’s humorous way of keeping us on the right path. : )

I have watched and listened to my introverted husband among people over the years.  Though not unfriendly or unsociable at all, it took a lot for him to be comfortable around others, to share of himself, and to introduce himself and make conversations with perfect strangers.  The later of the two he often avoided.  He would more likely stick to comfortable conversation and the people that he knew.   Last night watching him, at a fireside, among his fellow SSA men, he was amazing.  Introducing himself to many and sharing some of his talents that he only used to share if someone asked.  For the 1st time in his life, he can truly be his entire self!  He isn’t afraid of someone finding out his is gay so he isn’t trying to control how other people see him.  He is gay and so if he is a little softer, a little more sensitive, more caring, and some of those other stereotypical traits, and that’s ok.  I’m finding that the man I married was in many ways wearing a mask that covered over who he really was.  Though it didn’t cover all of who he was it did cover up some of the best parts.  The leader parts and whatever part made him an introvert which is now clearly something he is not.

I find it scary that he is now around so many SSA guys.  Did I mention that there are a lot of good looking SSA men out there‼!  Before, well as of summer, we knew of a few SSA guys and we knew of a few gay guys but there weren’t anyone that I was worried about at all.  So I wasn’t worried at all.  So Will is out, that’s nice.  Now he is out and he is among other men that are attracted to other men. Scary!

I can see what amazing things that are coming from it though.  He is being taught and he is learning how to have good and healthy relationships with these men.   As I watched several wonderful men take my husband in as one of their own, it was amazing.  I know he was out of his comfort zone but I can see the healing already happening as he is loved and taught by actions and words by these men that didn’t even know my husband until a little over a month ago.  

I can see that without this journey, had Will ended up meeting another SSA guy, it would have been a lot easier to end up the wrong place as he had no skills or preparation for dealing with such a situation.  Going through the right avenues, with me by his side, he is learning and growing, and being taught by the Spirit and by others how to be healthy as an SSA man and have healthy relationships not only with other guys but it’s helping our relationship too.

Does it scare me to death to have him go “hang out” with other SSA guys.  YES!  Do I trust Heavenly Father and Will…well Heavenly Father at this point.  YES!  It’s not that I don’t trust Will because I really do... it’s just that I still don’t feel he has learned enough and been far enough in this journey to know how to be as careful as he will be when he has learned a little more.   See not  -quite-  over the “it’s a little scary” part yet.  In fairness, knowing my husband was SSA,  I have been in a VERY comfortable place for over a decade.  My husband wasn’t interested in gals and he was NOT going to be interested in guys so my marriage was SAFE.  Now I’m having to deal with what EVERY married women has to deal with.  There is always that possibility even if it is just an ever so slim one.  So I kind-a got double whammed. : )

I am very grateful for the path we are on and that Heavenly Father prepared both Will and I to be where we are, to be able to be ok with where we are and to be in a place that we can learn so quickly the things he wants us to learn to be able to be where he wants us to be.

~Azalea
Posted by Azalea Adamson On 1/16/2013 11:21:00 AM 2 comments

2 comments:

  1. Azalea - (mrs. IDM here) I can completely relate to what you are saying about some of the emotions that you are feeling. I know that, even though you have a very strong relationship, and you each clearly have much faith and a common commitment to living the gospel, it is still a very hard thing, at times, to work through all the "unusual" feelings, quirks, and issues that arise. Our prayers are with you and Will, and we have great faith in each of you from reading your blog and feeling of your great spirits. Our advice is to talk, talk, and talk together. Communication is so vital, even when it's hard - remember, "it's the secrets that make us sick", when it comes to a marriage relationship. :). Please let us know if we can help in any way, or just be a listening ear - email us anytime. Much love - hang in there - it's worth it. :D

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  2. Azelea,
    You need to be comforted in knowing that all men are not out on the prowl. we love and adore our wives and families. For some of us there may have been a tramatic cercumstances that have happened that have made us question our purpose and worth in life. It is only through the love of our wife that we will over come and be the person we know god meant us to be hear on the earth. "he never said it was going to be easy, He just said it would be worth it" Thanks for being so understanding to your fantastic husband!

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