#3: Third and Fourth Letters

These letter were written just a few days after "coming out" to myself.  I was still barely accepting myself at the time and it took tremendous courage to even write this.  But the writing of it was very freeing and I was continuing to gain valuable insight and growing at a tremendous rate.

The Third Letter:

I don’t plan on publicly “coming out”.  I see no purpose for it.  But if someone asked, I think I would tell them.

So I’ve been thinking about what I would tell them.  Maybe it would go like this:

Him:  You’re sure sensitive for a guy -- are you gay?
Me:  What, no!

That’s what I keep saying in my mental role-play with myself.  Apparently it’s going to take a while to get used to this.

I think I’m struggling because I don’t associate myself with the term “gay”.  A gay guy is someone that wears tight clothes that are a just to flamboyant to look normal on Brad Pitt, and someone who is likely to be caught giggling, talks with a high/soft voice, and who wouldn't surprise you if you caught him kissing another guy goodbye at the bus stop.  That’s just not me, so I’m not gay.  Right?

To me gay is a lifestyle not an orientation or preference.

So as far as I’m concerned, I’m not gay.  I’m just a normal guy that is attracted to my same gender.  Some people like running, some people don’t.  Some people love a juicy steak, others would be caught dead eating another dead animal.  Some people are attracted to women, some to men.

And the Fourth:

Why do I not want to come out publicly?  I don’t think it’s particularly something I want to advertise.  I mean, does it really matter?  It’s not going to change how I treat people or who I say “Hi” to at church.  It’s not going to change what store I shop at.

But I guess maybe I’m afraid it will.  I’m afraid it will change how people look at me.  Maybe it will affect who says “Hi” to me.  Are my parents going to think it’s their fault?

But I know a secret now.  Those people that can’t accept you for yourself probably are struggling to like themselves, too.

My wife knows that I am attracted to men.  She has since before we were married.  But is being married to a guy that is attracted to men different that being married to someone that is GAY?  Up to now I haven’t shared these letters with her.  We keep planning on talking after the kids are in bed but bedtime hasn’t worked out so great the past few days.  But I’m OK with that because it’s given me more time to think and to get this all out.

Boy does it feel GOOD to get all of this out.

She has ALWAYS been so accepting of me.  She has always been by my side and loved me.  When we’ve fought, we’ve always come back stronger.  I think she may be a bit surprised by all of this.  After all, I have been.  I was so good at denying all of it that I had all but convinced myself.

Key point:  Covering something up is not the same as fixing it.

She often knows me better than I know myself, though.  Maybe she won’t be surprised.  As with every other part of marriage, this is something we have gone through together, and will continue to have to go through together.  Wait -- “have to”?  I think it would be better to say “get to”.  I thank the Lord for every day that I get to wake up next to her.