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Showing posts from 2013

What is attraction?

There were a lot of things I took for granted as a youth and young adult. Who I was attracted to was somewhat straight forward. I found a handsome man that very quickly became someone I couldn’t imagine not in my life. Fast forward 15 years and I am learning that attraction is not so straight forward for everyone. As a teenager who do you find attractive? Well other teenagers, young adults and an occasional just hot person, older…there aren’t many of those though. As a young adult who do you find attractive? Other young adults, hot young-ish people and an occasional really hot teenager or older person but those are few and far between. As a middle age person who do you find attractive? Do you actually find other middle age people attractive that you wouldn’t have given the time of day when you were a teen and just because they were middle aged? What about when you are 90? Who is attractive? Do you actually find other 90 year olds attractive? There seems to be a thought that at

Difficult Expression

Got an email from a friend this week and I wasn’t sure how to reply. You’d think it would be easy. Something simple would suffice, like: “I wish I were there to go with you. Sounds like a lot of fun.” But for some reason I found it difficult to say even that. Here’s why. We’ve been friends for a long time now. Since our first teenage years. We were friends by nature of a mutual friend first, but over time our own friendship grew. He was quiet and reserved, introverted. He like to have things just so. His room was always in order and he paid attention to the details but without getting bogged down by them. He seemed to know what he liked and what he didn’t like without much hesitation. All quite different from me. My room would go through fitful bouts of cleanliness and disarray. My likes and dislikes related much more directly to my mood rather than to any empirical method of elimination of less appealing options. Even my favorite color varied from day to day. He and

#6 On Affection, Part 2

See "On Affection, Part 1". It's been about a year since I wrote this. It's been a bit. Took a break for a few minutes. Thoughts are coming again now. In reflection, what I have written here so far was not at all what I was expecting.  I was expecting to discourse on the complexity of attraction and the need for affection, and instead I found my answers in a surprising way.  I have been pondering about the ways in which people of the world seek for sexual fulfillment and gratification.  The ways are many and diverse, each bringing pleasure in its way, but very few resulting in real satisfaction.  And as our physical mind seeks pleasure, indeed it is programmed to do so, it is simple and easy to believe that in some way it is possible to be satisfied solely from pleasure. But most of these methods are almost entirely selfish and one-sided.  It is impossible to ever feel completely gratified and fulfilled when our primary motivation is to fulfill our own n

'Just Be There': A Message of Suicide Prevention Awareness from Brigham ...

Top 10 Responses to Coming Out

After my last post, I wanted to share some happier thoughts so chose to share some of my responses to me coming out.  I loved each of these because they were real, from-the-heart responses.  The authenticity of them did a lot to alleviate my anxiety at sharing.  Here are my favorites: I had no idea! (jaw drop) Wow. Does your wife know? How does that work? So are those really your kids? But you and your wife love each other so much?! Thank you for trusting me with that.  It doesn't change how I see you. Really?  What can I do to help you? Well that explains a lot. I wanted to add to the statement:  "It doesn't change how I see you."  Not true.  How people see me has changed, but how could it not?  Learning something new about someone does cause me to reflect on my perceptions of them.  And on top of that, there’s a lot about my character that's different now as I’m no longer suppressing significant parts of it.  Also, I am a bit of a novelty.  I've

Gay Marriage

I’m writing this in hopes that it will help clear my mind and because I need to do something.  I need to act, more than I have.  I just spent some time sobbing on my bathroom floor as frustration and a mess of other emotions overwhelmed me.  I just listened to Elder Oaks’ talk on where God wants me to stand on the topic of Gay Marriage.  And I believe all that he said.  I truly do.  I have already thought through and lived with the bulk of his statements.  I am a gay man, married to a woman, with children of my own.  I have seen the blessings of being married to a woman and I will affirm the importance of it to anyone who asks with no proof other than what I have experienced in my own life.  But it is still a challenge, sometimes a daily challenge to wade through the complexities of living as a man who is sexually attracted to men instead of women.  At times I feel as if I am single handedly sparing with generations of social stigmas and beliefs about how I should act and what I shou

#7 A down side

The next in line chronologically of me learning to deal with and accept being same gender attracted.  I've had many thoughts that I wanted to say in way of explaining this or commenting on how my views have changed or what I've learned, but I've scrapped them all.  I want it to be just what it is--a snapshot of how I saw things then.  Jumping back in time... So, here’s a downside to being on the gay side of things in a mixed-orientation marriage. So Wrylon’s been watching a TV drama.  The main character’s a gal and of course there’s a guy (or a couple of them) that are romantically inclined towards her.  The one is the stereotypical TV guy -- rugged, horny, lots of testosterone, but with a potential soft side hiding around somewhere under the scruff.  He’s always trying to get the gal in bed.  Now there are plenty of times when I am interested in pursuing something but it's invariably at bad times (middle of the work day, when the kids won't stay in bed, etc.).

Things that shape our lives -- My Perspective

I am so grateful for my knowledge of the Plan of Salvation and that I know that we will be with our friends and family after this life. I am grateful for a sweet husband who gave sweet hugs and kind words to the friends of the young man, who the young man had been hiking with, and to his sweet mother. I can't even imagine and I definitely can't imagine going through that without my knowledge that families can be forever and so can my friendships. I am grateful for a sweet and loving husband that loves others so much and is willing to help others, even those he does not know. I am grateful for our family and for children that make me laugh and smile and their excitement for life.

Things that shape our lives...

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I was hiking yesterday with friends in Adams Canyon in Layton.  We were nearing the top when a kid ran past, headed down, blurting something out about," Had we seen the paramedics?"  He stopped barely long enough to get our answer.  Upon reaching the top we found a guy, maybe 15 years old, had slipped while climbing to see the waterfall from the top, falling over 40 ft.  A lady with medical training was seeing to him but was not optimistic about his chances.  He was unconscious and she felt he was fading fast and would not last long without further medical assistance.  It was only few minutes later that we got word that the life flight helicopter was en route.  Soon we could hear it.  The roar of the engines and blades was intense, reverberating off the walls of the narrow canyon.  Watching the helicopter ascending up the canyon, a tremendous dust cloud following it it's wake, was thrilling yet ominous, the reason for it's presence was all too clear in my mind.  Afte

Getting from Point A to Point B

Had a conversation with my 8-year-old today.  He was angry because--before I go on I need to explain how big of a deal it is when he gets angry.  His face turns down into the most amazing scowl , his forehead wrinkles, his eyes start sparking little bits of flame, and you feel waves of anger rippling from him, as if he was the epicenter of some tremendous earthquake.  To explain further, this is the child that runs through the house enacting full-scale battles in his mind and who finds peace in the intense songs from the “How to Train Your Dragon” soundtrack.  So he was angry.  The type of angry that I just mentioned.  And he was angry because he couldn't play computer.  This may sound a bit childish, which wouldn't be incorrect because he is a child, but for him it’s much more than that.  What it really meant to him is that life was just not going the way he wanted it to.  Period.  And he was ANGRY about it.  In a moment of rare brilliance, here’s what I said to him: Yo

David and Jonathan

For several weeks now, maybe even a months, something has been bothering me.  I'll admit that I've been in a darker place emotionally, struggling, feeling weighed down and confused because of it.  It was not something I had even been able to formulate into words, like a shadow of a thought.  Visible yet without substance of its own.  And dark. Wrylon and I attended a wedding celebration a few weeks ago of a friend.  Our friend had married her partner in New York and was having the celebration here where home is for them.  Wrylon asked if it would be difficult for me going and seeing them together.  I assured her I would be fine. But it did bother me.  Not because of them, but because of my reaction.  Looking into my friend's eyes, seeing her happiness in finding someone she wants to spend her life with, threw me off guard at how happy I was for her.  She seemed to me to have it all, everything that you could hope for in this would.  She has a family, a daughter, a partn

#6 On affection, Part 1

I originally wrote this early October, 2012.  It's now eight months later.  I feel like I have slowed down and stabilized but that has brought it's own challenges.  More on that later. So the complications of affection and intimacy have been weighing on my mind this week.  I feel that I’m confused about what is right and I am hoping that writing it down will help.  As I’ve talked to Wrylon about some of it, she answers in such a matter of fact way that I am envious of the clarity that has been gifted to her.  However I must admit that I enjoy the complexities and facets of life.  She sees the diamond and that it is beautiful, I look at each cut and facet and how the reflections play off each other, dividing the light and creating rainbows. I'm not sure what I wanted to say but suddenly my thoughts are clouded.  Clarity is replaced with a fog.  I want to push on, to try and to pursue this line of thought, to chase the thought that has just eluded me.  But I can’t.  To do

Being Real

We have been writing this blog for almost 6 months now. We have enjoyed having pseudonyms and being somewhat anonymous. The time has come for us to be the real us now. This wasn't an easy decisions but it is the right one. The thoughts and feelings we express on this blog are as raw and open as we can make them and so it is with much trepidation that we post these.  We are real people.  We have a family whose lives will likely be affected by our decisions to be open about this.  But one thing we have learned is that it is much better to move forward with courage and love than to hide behind a pretense of perfection.  We are expecting some to be critical; we are all entitled to our own opinions and beliefs.  But our hope is that most that read this will do so with an open mind and a sincere desire to understand.  We know of so many who carry so tremendous amounts of shame and pain silently in their hearts because of a fear of not being accepted for who they are.  These feelings a

Blogroll Website is finally up! Yay!

http://mormonsandgaysblogs.com Still needs a little tweaking, a cool picture/logo or something like that and more a lot more blogs added but it is good for now.

#5 Not If but How

Here's a copy of a journal entry I made quite a while ago. I wanted to share it as it gives a little insight into how it feels to be hiding something, to never quite feel like you can be fully in a friendship. Twice in the past two weeks I've been talking with friends and had those moments where you feel like there's a trust thing going on and they're sharing personal things and you want to share personal things and so you say...what?  Yeah, and oh by the way, I'm gay.  Yeah, just me, the guy you go running with and who works in the office next door.  Yeah, I'm married to a gal and have 4 kids.  No, it's not strange for me at all.  Quite normal in fact.  You mean you find it strange?   Or maybe they won't find it strange.  I just don't know.  Don't know what to expect or how to say it. I realized, though, that I had at some point moved past Should I tell my friend? to How do I tell my friend?  I'm pretty much scared.  I've cr

The way it is

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I suppose by making public some of what is commonly reserved as personal that we are inviting criticism, and I'm OK with that.  But what astounds me is the certainty which many people seem to have that I and my wife are making the wrong decision.  Is it too simple to believe that we could really have found our soul mate, the peson that we want to spend our life with, in spite of our differences? Because it is that simple.  My wife and I have chosen to make a go at this life together.  We hold sacred the importance of family.  We believe that the whole is greater than the sum of the parts.  We feel that the best chance we have is to face this side-by-side, as partners, best-friends, lovers, and equals.  We believe in true love.  We believe in God and that He is our support.  We believe that we are not just as we are now and will always be so -- we believe that we are meant to constantly try to improve ourselves, and that it is possible to do so.  We believe in taking chances, ma

Adjusting My Frame of Reference

Edited and updated. I've always tried to portray a very positive attitude when writing about my husband being SSA. For the most part that is very accurate. There are hard things too. The longer we are it though the more I realize that all marriages are just as hard.  We all have trials that we go through to make us stronger and ours is no different.  I think as long as a SSA person has learned to have healthy relationships with their same gender and they keep strong in their marriage then it is no different than being in a “normal” marriage which also will always have its issues too. As Will has grown emotionally he has taken more notice of people and their reactions/actions to people around them and now understands them better too.   He has noticed that some guys he is around, really like being around girls. Yes, obviously, but let me explain more.  He and a good straight guy friend, who both enjoy each other’s company, will be talking alone. A gal will walk in and the gu

Gratitude

My heart is full this morning, as are my thoughts.  Almost too many to sort through, so I don’t try.  Good thoughts mostly, and I sit here in amazement.  It seems like another lifetime ago when I lived with a constant feeling of shame and fear.  I lived so long in the fear that people would see me for who I was, and would hate me.  Today at least I find it hard to comprehend that I ever believed that. During the course of that past month or two my wife and I have begun to be much more open.  We have shared our story many times and in every instance the reaction has been amazing.  The comments have been encouraging and uplifting, confirming that we are accepted and that how they see me hasn’t changed.  And it hasn’t.  The actions and attitudes of those that I associate with regularly that now know my story have continued to show me the same thing:  acceptance and friendship. To all of those whom we have told, thank you.  I don’t know if you know what it means to me and to my wife.